Monday, May 23, 2011
today, yesterday
so i decided to face the past. it began last night, the first day after the end of the world. i started thinking back to the things i've done, the relationships ive had with lovers and friends, and the art that i've created. where i've gone, and where i want to go if there is a tomorrow.
its now Monday, May 23rd. we made it, as i thought. there was a tomorrow, and there will be tomorrow again.
LAST NIGHT.
i sat on my hard world floor, in my leggings, socks and bra and began to untangle my thoughts. suprisingly, lucidly, i came up with two line summaries of my desires and goals on my career, education, love life, health and mind.
i wrote on the categories that came to mind in the exact order they surfaced. now writing, looking back, i noticed that spirit was not a category. that is something to meditate on, and find new clarity. but i know that i want to be in practice. i want to take a step beyond my thoughts, and make something. perhaps spirit cannot be spoken even as a goal. it is something just to be.
but today, my heart hurts. discovering new parts in this end of my relationship. I am facing the unplesant truths of my former partners choices, and gaps in communication. this time, dealing with my friend.
although i believe in open relationships, relationships that allow your partner not to cut off their emotions from the rest of the world, and experience emotions that come about even if they are romantic and involing third or fourth parties. i framed my experience at j and i's beggining, as entering our relationships with previous open relationships that i did not want to just cut off. I was already open, and wanted to remain that way. j, my partner at the time was not happy about that. so we found a comprimise. somehow, she called our relationship open while i called it monogamous. something strange happend in our communication, working to appease the other.
and she would go out. and sometimes flirt. she didn't know how to be honest about this. she would work to assure me in words that no one else matters but me, and i am her only interest. but then she would go out, and talk to folks. and not really say what was up. i could detect something fishy, talk to her, and pull it out. she would admit to it, or dismiss it. say she can't tell when ppl are actually feelin her. pretending like that gives her license not to say whats going on, because she wasnt sure. even tho she thought maybe. its always a maybe. we dont really know until declarations are made. or when we come to trusting and sensing things... thru the s word.
this makes me not like being open. it feels like it can be misused as license for whatever.
drunken mishap behavoir.
wtf.
not cool
this sucks
its now Monday, May 23rd. we made it, as i thought. there was a tomorrow, and there will be tomorrow again.
LAST NIGHT.
i sat on my hard world floor, in my leggings, socks and bra and began to untangle my thoughts. suprisingly, lucidly, i came up with two line summaries of my desires and goals on my career, education, love life, health and mind.
i wrote on the categories that came to mind in the exact order they surfaced. now writing, looking back, i noticed that spirit was not a category. that is something to meditate on, and find new clarity. but i know that i want to be in practice. i want to take a step beyond my thoughts, and make something. perhaps spirit cannot be spoken even as a goal. it is something just to be.
but today, my heart hurts. discovering new parts in this end of my relationship. I am facing the unplesant truths of my former partners choices, and gaps in communication. this time, dealing with my friend.
although i believe in open relationships, relationships that allow your partner not to cut off their emotions from the rest of the world, and experience emotions that come about even if they are romantic and involing third or fourth parties. i framed my experience at j and i's beggining, as entering our relationships with previous open relationships that i did not want to just cut off. I was already open, and wanted to remain that way. j, my partner at the time was not happy about that. so we found a comprimise. somehow, she called our relationship open while i called it monogamous. something strange happend in our communication, working to appease the other.
and she would go out. and sometimes flirt. she didn't know how to be honest about this. she would work to assure me in words that no one else matters but me, and i am her only interest. but then she would go out, and talk to folks. and not really say what was up. i could detect something fishy, talk to her, and pull it out. she would admit to it, or dismiss it. say she can't tell when ppl are actually feelin her. pretending like that gives her license not to say whats going on, because she wasnt sure. even tho she thought maybe. its always a maybe. we dont really know until declarations are made. or when we come to trusting and sensing things... thru the s word.
this makes me not like being open. it feels like it can be misused as license for whatever.
drunken mishap behavoir.
wtf.
not cool
this sucks
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)