Made in France 10 Reflection

Upon my graduation of 4 years of hampshire college, I planned to do an extravagently wonderful event where I would gain access to some of the artists with whom I did not get a chance to work with at my small liberal arts college. I applied for MADE in France: (MADE = Movement Arts and Design in Europe). In 2010 the theme was movement and sound design.

After choreographing my first dance, a solo about black women, my family lineage, rape and intergenerational trauma, I wanted to futher pursue the craft of dance making. In this first dance, I collaborated with a wonderfully tallented sound designer: Allison Smart, and was very much influenced by the relationship between sound and movement. I went to MADE extremely excited about the program ahead of me.

Upon my arrival, I met the director of the program Liz Claire.

ex girlfriends

ON December 19th, i wrote on my facebook status the following:

i love femmes. forever and always. will not put up with the dismissal of ideas, comments, questions or my lived experience as solely an excess of emotion. i feel, yes. i also think. those things are not mutually exclusive. various forms of intelligence, do enrich one another. so to any close minded person like this wack ex of mine im telling off via email right now... a paragraph full of well thought out questions warrants a response more than i know how you are feeling one line response. fuckk yall femme haters go get some fucking training get aware of your fucked up masculine fuckedupness im done peace

47 friends of mine liked it, and it got 20 comments.

Far more activity than my usual posts

It gives me strength. to know that people love and support me. So i don't need to question my self when i get more negative words from this very wack ex my mine. Here is how the dialogue leading to this post evolved, and how it ended today. This is a 'to the point,' vulgar rendition including the most important quotes:

Wack Ex: Hi. I want to reconnect with you when I'm back in town. Would you like to have lunch?

Katrina D: Okay, sure. Lets

** i have a revealation... i don't have to just go along with what she wants. I don't trust her, things didn't end well, so let me check in to see whats up.***

KD: Actually... "I've been reconnecting with various past people in my life and I think its good to take a deep consideration of where we are at before creating what might be an awkward situation." why do you want to reconnect, why now, do you feel like lunch is what you really want to do, or is it just some kind of thing to catch up? etc, etc

WE: I see how you are feeling. Lets meet later if thats what you want.

KD: Don't make this about me. Lets meet when you are ready to answer my questions.

WE: I didn't answer your questions because I didn't think it was necessary. I don't share your concerns.

KD: My questions are Legitimate. WTF (i create fb status while skyping with my dear friend)... this is fucked up. I will not tolerate this shit.

WE: "don't accuse me of ignoring you or confusing you. on my end, i've been pretty clear. weird or awkward, it happens katrina, there's no need to dig deep in the banal scenario of ex's getting together and things being kinda weird. in the emails you have sent me, it is apparent that a lot of our failure to communicate lies on me, burdened on me. i really encourage you to reassess that view point and reflect on how your communication style can impact and dominate."

KD: "I cannot Educate you. Fortunately you are in school. I encourage you take a course on feminism. Take a course on masculinity. Read about gaslighting. Thats what you are doing. Goodluck."

WE: "katrina, i stand by my words, and your accusations that i am gaslighting you- victimizing you, hurts me. it's clear that we cannot form any healthy relationship. and it's really, really insulting. your flippant accusation is not something i am taking lightly, at all. in my email, i was just asking you to reflect on your communication.

i cannot deal with this crap.

i meant to say it last time but instead i just deleted her msg. but this time i said it. please do not email me a response.

the end.

poetic revelations

giving is not the same as doing

Artist and Entrepreneur Panel at LMCC

Highlights:

Time is your only non-renewable resource

Interactions and relationships with people is business, just as much as legal issues and money, if not more

Money is not always what you need. Often what you need more is service or skills to share.

The worth or value of something is subjective. A Barter system is a way to negotiate one on one the value, monetarily, in terms of time used to create, etc.

Deeper meaning is felt outside of the monetary exchange system.

FUCKING WISDOM

LIVING YOUR VALUES IS SEXY AS SHIT

how do hearts work anyone

how do they form attachments?

why don't they listen to our minds?

why dont they match the ones they desire to connect with?

why is time never in our favor?

what speed do i travel through this plane?

maybe i drive solo for some time

enjoy the time

meditations on top salt street sterling place

experimental performance. what does experimental mean? does it mean you do whatever you want? what does it mean to do whatever you want? can you do whatever you want on stage? what are your expectations of me when i do a performance? do you want me to dance? do you want me to sing? what if i don't do any of that. does that leave you dissapointed? if you are paying to see me, I'm supposed to deliver right? I'm supposed to do what you want, since you are my guest here inside the theater. but if u don't pay, that means you are just here for whatever happens. whatever is organically created in the space.

organic. i hear its healthier. but we don't want to be farming for shows. organic items are not accessibile to everyone. but if i like the taste, am i guilty for biting into it?

organic sounds apetizing. but often, when using pleasant words, by the time they start to translate as viable communicators they have already been coopted and their meaning corrupted.

so organic doesn't even mean what i want it to mean. now that i can use it to describe performance, it translates as some meaningless formless shitty stick. and when i do a performance, what happens if i make the decision to do whatever i feel like doing. without considering you. I'm always considering you. everytime i walk down the street. every time i'm laying down in my bed, thinking about the day, I'm reviewing the encounters i had with you. thinking about what i did, and what it might mean to you. how can i make that more clear for you?

So what is this idea then. Freestyle. I remember taking poetry classes, for free at Urban Word. back when they had that beautiful loft at union sq. and there was some fine ass poetry teacher. i would go hoping he would sit next to me. stand behind me. so i could get some of his beautiful energy radiating out of his loose curly fro. but for the poetry moreso, i would go. they would give us a prompt. freestyle on the idea of... freestyle in an intention of... i remember i was assigned horny as an intention. i was not comfortable freestyling, add being horny to it you u know my shit suckkedd.

but i admired those that could. i wanted to do that. how do you do it? can you just go out in front of people and create something. maybe i need to bring the audience into a cypher. maybe that would help me create the mood. maybe i need to pick some people out.

i was tight. i had to let loose. i had to let go of this idea of what you want. how to please you. if i please me, maybe that pleasure can translate, be shared? maybe if i can accept me i would stop hiding behind some half considered ideas. maybe it would feel less like im wasting your time on stage, if i spent more of my time, endless amounts of time, preparing for this 5 minutes of your time that your giving me right now. i see. i see. its because i have a whole room of ppl, who came together at a certain time to give me their time all at once. so its not exactly a two way street. all the lanes are leading to me. so hopefully i have something at the destination.

right? only what maybe you can see when you come to the right space.

dreaming performance

Today i felt the sleep in my arms. the weight grounded me through a serious of visualized dreams, i could recall this morning. Although I woke at 5:33am ... i decided to go to the bathroom and return to my bed where the series seriously began.

From the onset, I first recal dreaming on a bus. A bus so smooth, and a female driver so precise in her turns, she got the highest ratings. She made turns through narrow pathways between metal pillers under bridges with her bus with all of us, through passages I think I would turn sideways to squeeze in. How she made the sharpest 90 degree turns, I will never know.

She smoothly digressed down a concrete staircase, and we jumped every so often as we descended to the highway below. be it the prospect expressway, or another. close to the end, we took a jump too high and landed slightly on one side and turned over. I held on in an oppositional angle, landing upright as everyone lay sideway underneath the school bus designed seats. I waitied for others to join me. Although the bodies remained under the seats, others joined me on my transition outside. Were they spirits or people, i don't know.

Then i ended up in a water park. My birkenstocks were left floating in the water, and the silver leather went missing. Someone stole my leather, and left my corked sole. Or the leather disintegrated into teh silver water. Later, i learned the leather became brown muddy straps that did not resemble my original sandel. In my search, I found an indian family eating dinner at a celebratory party, which I was simultanoesly invited and shunned away from. As I walked down various passaways, between various groups and parties that continued after the water park celebration, I could not exist anywhere, because I was constantly bound to this fun park, in search for my shoes, my key to the next place.

Performance anxiety has never been more productive, than it has been for me these past days. 10 hours of sleep, and more to be had. I will take an epson salt bath tonight. Holla