healing

a strategy i've experienced in partner stretching to deepen and expand your muscle capacity, and to assist in letting go, is to resist. push against your partner and when you let go, your body will let go further than when your started, while your partner keeps a constant pressure. this is ideal for the inner thigh, and quads. long lean grounding muscles that thrive on flexibility.

resistance is my m.o. i find my art builds clarity when i build strict structures that I take apart. I find that my personality enjoys a fight. reaching my best self with healthy doses of fair game, sport like competition.

when i am in a place that pushes me to be my best self, i know there is something right. I felt like i was there, and recently. but i felt, like maybe this self wasnt even  being look at or appreciated by the community I was in. There was some missing link. Some disconnect, between being and fully experiencing this best self. i am looking to draw the connections. When advancing, I need to make sure the chosen community I am within is supportive. see's my growth as positive, vs threatening change.

I need to let go of the clothes that dont fit, that feel rough. of things that dont fit me, or suit me. of people the same. Letting go is hard. Often times, in my process of letting go I bring in new things. The feeling of less feels scary. i want to have choices, or something available. But too much also means things are in the way, and less available. I am not using all of it. I want to work on keeping just what I need. letting go of my mode of excess. letting go of my fear of not having, or being deprived. letting in joy in place of fear. pleasure in place of pains memory.

dreaming woman

when i was young(er) i used to hear names of women in my dreams. names that stuck out. that were important. these names would become either women I love, or compassionately dislike (hate i would have said then). my dreams felt so real, yet i didnt understand them. they were from the future. this information was too overwhelming, i would panic, and cry. So i wished them away. i stopped dreaming.  i wasn't ready to handle, or didn't know how to process this information from that world, spirt or otherwise. and now, a little older, all i want to do is find ways to reconnect with those voices of wisdom. one. step. at. a. time.

later i became obsessed with the movie the terminator. I believed love could come from the future, and bring about justice today. fight injustice today, that is developed today but evolves into something far greater which also comes back to haunt today. fighting to restore balance. fighting. love. short. full.

im ready.

im preparing.

im coming.

a post from september 2011, found in google docs

maybe i’m not of this century.

where information exists for information’s sake. without regard for the learned person. just so you can take a look at it. let it sink in, so you can go back home and watch movies on your computer. so you can relax, and forget.

i’m all for forgetting, don’t get me wrong. i cant keep all of the memories of these 21st century attrocities at the front of my mind. or the those I saw at the end of the 20th, and those I learned of before.

heart

roll on floor. uncover the truth behind your passion. its not a simple trust based. inquiry.

don't ask me. ask you.

deflect.

simple tricks.

dont work. flock. follow. flow.

i want to build up my power with my challenge.

i am just writing to write.

what other reason do people write.

its been some time. and my hear it open. ing. again.

and it feels damn good, sometimes fear rises in my imagination. but im trusting that opening up lets in the much needed good.

!

xxx
k

heart (secrets)

heart is the core of the passion that drives ggttttuuuuuejbkjkfhdouoiuoiusofjhdouhoijsjjlkjlkjuououououououou

Made in France 10 Reflection

Upon my graduation of 4 years of hampshire college, I planned to do an extravagently wonderful event where I would gain access to some of the artists with whom I did not get a chance to work with at my small liberal arts college. I applied for MADE in France: (MADE = Movement Arts and Design in Europe). In 2010 the theme was movement and sound design.

After choreographing my first dance, a solo about black women, my family lineage, rape and intergenerational trauma, I wanted to futher pursue the craft of dance making. In this first dance, I collaborated with a wonderfully tallented sound designer: Allison Smart, and was very much influenced by the relationship between sound and movement. I went to MADE extremely excited about the program ahead of me.

Upon my arrival, I met the director of the program Liz Claire.

ex girlfriends

ON December 19th, i wrote on my facebook status the following:

i love femmes. forever and always. will not put up with the dismissal of ideas, comments, questions or my lived experience as solely an excess of emotion. i feel, yes. i also think. those things are not mutually exclusive. various forms of intelligence, do enrich one another. so to any close minded person like this wack ex of mine im telling off via email right now... a paragraph full of well thought out questions warrants a response more than i know how you are feeling one line response. fuckk yall femme haters go get some fucking training get aware of your fucked up masculine fuckedupness im done peace

47 friends of mine liked it, and it got 20 comments.

Far more activity than my usual posts

It gives me strength. to know that people love and support me. So i don't need to question my self when i get more negative words from this very wack ex my mine. Here is how the dialogue leading to this post evolved, and how it ended today. This is a 'to the point,' vulgar rendition including the most important quotes:

Wack Ex: Hi. I want to reconnect with you when I'm back in town. Would you like to have lunch?

Katrina D: Okay, sure. Lets

** i have a revealation... i don't have to just go along with what she wants. I don't trust her, things didn't end well, so let me check in to see whats up.***

KD: Actually... "I've been reconnecting with various past people in my life and I think its good to take a deep consideration of where we are at before creating what might be an awkward situation." why do you want to reconnect, why now, do you feel like lunch is what you really want to do, or is it just some kind of thing to catch up? etc, etc

WE: I see how you are feeling. Lets meet later if thats what you want.

KD: Don't make this about me. Lets meet when you are ready to answer my questions.

WE: I didn't answer your questions because I didn't think it was necessary. I don't share your concerns.

KD: My questions are Legitimate. WTF (i create fb status while skyping with my dear friend)... this is fucked up. I will not tolerate this shit.

WE: "don't accuse me of ignoring you or confusing you. on my end, i've been pretty clear. weird or awkward, it happens katrina, there's no need to dig deep in the banal scenario of ex's getting together and things being kinda weird. in the emails you have sent me, it is apparent that a lot of our failure to communicate lies on me, burdened on me. i really encourage you to reassess that view point and reflect on how your communication style can impact and dominate."

KD: "I cannot Educate you. Fortunately you are in school. I encourage you take a course on feminism. Take a course on masculinity. Read about gaslighting. Thats what you are doing. Goodluck."

WE: "katrina, i stand by my words, and your accusations that i am gaslighting you- victimizing you, hurts me. it's clear that we cannot form any healthy relationship. and it's really, really insulting. your flippant accusation is not something i am taking lightly, at all. in my email, i was just asking you to reflect on your communication.

i cannot deal with this crap.

i meant to say it last time but instead i just deleted her msg. but this time i said it. please do not email me a response.

the end.