returning to passions

i walked into my first capoeira class since, perhaps november of last year today. Walked in the door just past 12:30 and walked out just past 4. There was class, and by 4pm i still felt there could have been more. That is a success, the all day everyday obsession of this art was felt today. I love the work of graduado pastor. The interweaving of target movements that truly diversify ones movement vocabulary, along with time dedicated to the instruments and song in a reliable format allows me to feel confident that I will get the class that I came for. There were only short moments of frustation, dealing with my personal difficulty with the intricacies of a movement, and what feels like a disaparity of distribution of time. The momements when the learning is all gravy feels too short, and the moments when im waiting for the next exercise feel endless, in that spent exaughted minute.

nonetheless, i think as my optimist self, i felt pleased. It was well worth the 15. I do have my personal hang ups about the conflicts of interest in the philosphical connections the instructor makes at times, which unfortunately is also present in the associations I make to the art as a student. Such as re-inforcing the eat or be eaten mind set in the game and approach to making ones presence in a roda I feel to be an ego-ridden conflict that is rampid in the contemporary capoeira world. The maleness in the room, felt eerily welcoming, as the only other women besides myself in the class is now dating the instructor (i learned today). I am far from a regular in class. I wonder often, why don't women feel welcomed in these rooms? What keeps them from returning? The teasing, unsuportive enviroment is one issue I find. Another is the male ego. As the instructor asked me to demonstrate a movement, and I cautiously aimed my martelo at his head and got him to esquiva in the incorrect direction, he went on to explain that his gaurd was down because he was playing with "felina" (myself), and I haven't demanded enough to merit playing a "real" game, so he wasn't willing to play with me for real. That is insulting. And as the student, who is learning, how unsupportive is that. Especially as the only women training in the room, since his female parter was injured sitting on the edge.

Capoeira training environments are far from supportive, one could say as per "tradition." But when a teacher chooses to demonstrate something with a student, that means that there is something to be learned. Even by the instructor. Perhaps he was distracted by the body that was kicking him, and this is his cover. My original instructor believed me to be of his most tallented, if not his female student with the most potential. I took those words seriously. And I need someone who is teaching me the art, to believe I am worthy of learning just like all other students. Why reinforce a system of exlusion, when the most important words of mestre pastinha were capoeira is for women, child, everyone.

And insulting my choice of song in the roda, when I havent sang in so many years, and I come full force with a verse, complex vocab, perfect pronunciation and sing while playing pandeiro. Then because i choose a "classic" that is for "beginners" that means I'm not challenging myself. At my former school, we learned an essential lesson: these capoeira songs are for everyone. We as students at hampshire college sang parana e over and over again, because the song had meaning. It wasn't a song for when you cant sing, it was a song to carry significance, because it is so important. That is why accross academies, continents and sytles you will hear that song in a roda. And these sly comments, putting down choices that are valid based on personal, poorly anaylized associations, are the moments when I think contemproary capoeiristas could really take a look at thier own egos in the form.

Its great to take on new definition of a traditional art form. Its so important. But what I really dont understand is the ways that people can completely disregaurd a legacy, of historical urgency it not be forgotten for the sake of somethign new and catchy. NOOO. so wrong.

Its late. this is not so organized. Stream of consciousness release of steam. x3 a week, for year = complex. But i walked into that room to remind myself that I have an intelligent integrated mind and body, and there were enough moments I had with myself to feel good about returning. But I must check my instructor, because I cannot develop in a place where I feel l am being overlooked and misinterpreted and undervalued. Not good things for learning.

Love

yours truly

Warm Drinks and Hot Topics

I have always been an activist. I have always stood up for what I believe to be right. But after years of heart-wrenching struggles through college and in my personal life, I am hesistant to say "yes", or "lets do it." Perhaps because I am aware of the lack of support of my individuality which becomes ever more apparent when working down to the core of an issue. My individuality, which includes my own personal needs as a human being, eating well, getting rest and bettering myself with a college degree were all at stake when prioritizing past projects. And my integrity as an activist, and sometimes person was questioned when struggling to balance myself in the mist of the larger political/activist goals.

So, moreso what I have realized is I wish, as best as I can, to be very careful about the communities within which I elect to organize. The people I align myself with are by far, very important to share mutual understanding about the struggles I am facing, and the approach.

Last night I sat with three amazing women, who are hungry to make some sort of change. I think they are each bright and feirce women of color, but I think it will take me some time to open up. I found myself very silent around the section of talking about our issues. Talking about issues makes me feel tired (these days); since there are so many issues I hear about every day. And there are certain issues I've already self-prioritized, and when issues flow out without organization from so many unique perspectives it becomes overwhelming for me. Each word carries so much weight. There are so many unique needs that come from all of our unique circumstances that we have lived. I want to know what actions people are taking. I want to know how other people that come from similiar places like me are dealing. I realized I am quite unique. There are not many working class black queer women who grew up in park slope with divorced parents, and a crazy twin brother who occasionally threatens your life. That is what makes my experience unique. But I am more interested in forming communities like mine. I want to shine light on experiences that seem to become invisibilized admist the gentrifcation and yuppification of my home community, and I want communites that are going to really focus on the process of being a supportive enviornment. Because when we recognize eachother and support eachother in the struggle, and recognize our humanity then we are in the right fight.

Park Slope Palimpsets
(next work title)

The conversation I had also opened up my eyes to the broader perspective of living here within the nyc branch of the non-profit industrial complex. I am working in museum education, at a pretty established cultural institution. For a museum, our staff is quite small, our entire operating staff is 50, the bulk of which makes up operations which includes security and logistical personel regarding the safety and transportation of works we host. For my friends, that number seemed to dauntingly large in comparision to 651 for instance, which has 3 fulltime staff members, and 2 additional part time people. But when I speak to my freind at the Met, which has almost 2,000 staff members, education hosting about 50 alone, I think of the studio museum as quite an anomoly for its small status admist the giants of NYC fine arts museums.

Since our staff here is just large enough that we each tackle such specific projects, that means I do not know all about the ins and outs of most things going on at the museum. I don't even know all about the programs in education. And I wondered if this was my fault, if I wasn't taking an active enough role in getting involved. I just realized its not my main priority to know about our events. Rather, it is my social obligation to create more room for small talk, for interpersonal relationships to allow for learning about the projects my colleages are working on since they are not sitting next to me. I think this also hinders my potential for growth or learning, since in my position alone I act mainly as an administrator. Although I host a managerial title or role, there is not much room for me to implement new ideas, or work towards improvements. Instead, I am really exercising my skills in organziation and staying on top of correspondance, etc. This in some ways makes the postion a bit mild, which works for me since I would like my focus to be the advancement of my arts career. I do however, also hope to learn more about being a driving force in an arts cultural instition. Its nice to aid the work of my tremendous co-workers without bearing the brunt of the responsibility of pushing things forward and mending losses. For this period of my life this works, but I want to be able to speak more knowlegably about the organization where I work.

However, I am appreciative of the fact that my organization takes care of me with a great benefits package. That is rare in the arts. I am full time and insured. Getting paid enough to get by. Still looking for more part time work, but its a pretty nice place to be. I can say that I do feel happy to be where I am. Cheers to 2011

Sister Outsider

For the first time I am taking the necessary time to rest my eyes on the much anticipated words of Audre Lorde. After reading many a reference and quote in later authors and works, I have made time to experience the source. And in its serene simplicity of words there is a complexity and cruciality to each seamlessly ordered essay. My favorites thus far are the power of the erotic.