I have always been an activist. I have always stood up for what I believe to be right. But after years of heart-wrenching struggles through college and in my personal life, I am hesistant to say "yes", or "lets do it." Perhaps because I am aware of the lack of support of my individuality which becomes ever more apparent when working down to the core of an issue. My individuality, which includes my own personal needs as a human being, eating well, getting rest and bettering myself with a college degree were all at stake when prioritizing past projects. And my integrity as an activist, and sometimes person was questioned when struggling to balance myself in the mist of the larger political/activist goals.
So, moreso what I have realized is I wish, as best as I can, to be very careful about the communities within which I elect to organize. The people I align myself with are by far, very important to share mutual understanding about the struggles I am facing, and the approach.
Last night I sat with three amazing women, who are hungry to make some sort of change. I think they are each bright and feirce women of color, but I think it will take me some time to open up. I found myself very silent around the section of talking about our issues. Talking about issues makes me feel tired (these days); since there are so many issues I hear about every day. And there are certain issues I've already self-prioritized, and when issues flow out without organization from so many unique perspectives it becomes overwhelming for me. Each word carries so much weight. There are so many unique needs that come from all of our unique circumstances that we have lived. I want to know what actions people are taking. I want to know how other people that come from similiar places like me are dealing. I realized I am quite unique. There are not many working class black queer women who grew up in park slope with divorced parents, and a crazy twin brother who occasionally threatens your life. That is what makes my experience unique. But I am more interested in forming communities like mine. I want to shine light on experiences that seem to become invisibilized admist the gentrifcation and yuppification of my home community, and I want communites that are going to really focus on the process of being a supportive enviornment. Because when we recognize eachother and support eachother in the struggle, and recognize our humanity then we are in the right fight.
Park Slope Palimpsets
(next work title)
The conversation I had also opened up my eyes to the broader perspective of living here within the nyc branch of the non-profit industrial complex. I am working in museum education, at a pretty established cultural institution. For a museum, our staff is quite small, our entire operating staff is 50, the bulk of which makes up operations which includes security and logistical personel regarding the safety and transportation of works we host. For my friends, that number seemed to dauntingly large in comparision to 651 for instance, which has 3 fulltime staff members, and 2 additional part time people. But when I speak to my freind at the Met, which has almost 2,000 staff members, education hosting about 50 alone, I think of the studio museum as quite an anomoly for its small status admist the giants of NYC fine arts museums.
Since our staff here is just large enough that we each tackle such specific projects, that means I do not know all about the ins and outs of most things going on at the museum. I don't even know all about the programs in education. And I wondered if this was my fault, if I wasn't taking an active enough role in getting involved. I just realized its not my main priority to know about our events. Rather, it is my social obligation to create more room for small talk, for interpersonal relationships to allow for learning about the projects my colleages are working on since they are not sitting next to me. I think this also hinders my potential for growth or learning, since in my position alone I act mainly as an administrator. Although I host a managerial title or role, there is not much room for me to implement new ideas, or work towards improvements. Instead, I am really exercising my skills in organziation and staying on top of correspondance, etc. This in some ways makes the postion a bit mild, which works for me since I would like my focus to be the advancement of my arts career. I do however, also hope to learn more about being a driving force in an arts cultural instition. Its nice to aid the work of my tremendous co-workers without bearing the brunt of the responsibility of pushing things forward and mending losses. For this period of my life this works, but I want to be able to speak more knowlegably about the organization where I work.
However, I am appreciative of the fact that my organization takes care of me with a great benefits package. That is rare in the arts. I am full time and insured. Getting paid enough to get by. Still looking for more part time work, but its a pretty nice place to be. I can say that I do feel happy to be where I am. Cheers to 2011
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